The Cenassassination of the WWE

Written by: Kris Rennie

Every Monday night I do this to myself.

I irritate myself by carrying on watching a product that continues to depreciate in quality, week in, week out. And once again, I am writing about it for the sake of catharsis.

Maybe forcing myself to watch shit performers like Santino Marella and Jack Swagger is just a form of self-flagellation, but why do I continue to endure the utter dreck of matches that involve John Cena.

John Cena shouting


Just this week, I watched a semi-decent match where Antonio Cesaro – a great performer and technical wrestler who deserved a big push long before now – made John Cena look good, but John Cena undeservedly received plaudits for his abilities and performance in the match.

Let’s be clear: Cena doesn’t have any ability and his performances are non-existent. The man is devoid of talent. He is an absolute pariah where pro-wrestling is concerned.

All he is, is a poster boy, a breakfast cereal box figure, a cartoon caricature of what a wrestler in the 21st century should be. He just sucks.

My main problem with the current WWE product is this constant preoccupation the WWE hierarchy has with John Cena, who is arguably the most hated wrestler on the current roster mainly because people are completely bored of him – and for many valid reasons too.

He is the all-rounder who the kids look up to, who the older generation believe is a nice respectable all-American guy and who the ladies love because he has a good physique. The ultimate role model. The consummate professional. And all those other bullshit platitudes they bestow upon him.

The WWE loves him because he apparently shifts merchandise. Truckloads of sweatbands, neon t-shirts, khaki shorts and baseball caps with slogans like “NEVER GIVE UP”(which is ironic because most people wish he fucking would) and “THE CHAMP IS HERE”(even when he isn’t a title holder).

John Cena Never Give Up

He also promotes various charities, from the Susan G. Komen “Rise Against Cancer” campaign to the anti-bullying campaigns the WWE promotes every year. He also constantly heads up the Tribute To The Troops event. Yes, he is without doubt the “face of the WWE” or “The Guy” who the WWE constantly makes references to in storylines.

But if he’s so great, why does he get boos and jeers at every event he appears at?

It’s simple.

He is a shitty wrestler. His matches are predictable. He can’t sell an opponent’s moves without looking as stiff as a board. He’s destined to kick out of any finisher used upon him, and he is usually booked to win every match he appears in.

His moveset makes Hulk Hogan’s look about as versatile as Dean Malenko’s and his mic skills have about as much charm and wit as Mark Wahlberg’s acting in The Happening.

John Cena angry gif

Not only that, no matter what storyline is happening, no matter how important it is, John Cena is still booked as a main event/headline act regardless of what he is involved in. The omnipresence of this guy in WWE programming is tedious because he offers nothing fresh and new to the card.

A John Cena match usually consists of the standard six false finishes where Cena reverses about three attempts when his opponent tries to hit their finishing move and more often than not, he ends it by hitting the Attitude Adjustment and gets the 1-2-3 count, despite the fact that for at least 75% of the match he gets his ass handed to him on a silver platter.

John Cena handcuffs

Despite being HANDCUFFED TO THE RING, Cena went on to win this match

After WrestleMania 28 we saw Brock Lesnar enter into a programme with John Cena. Lesnar was a legitimate heavyweight champion in the UFC who had defeated the likes of Frank Mir, Randy Couture and Shane Carwin – yet in the WWE Lesnar was booked to lose clean to John Cena… in a no-holds-barred match at Extreme Rules!

The constant stream of headline fights he is given that are bettered by matches lower on the card annoys me too.

WrestleMania 28 saw a main event between Cena and The Rock, a main event which was never considered that notable anyway, and which was repeated again a year later at WrestleMania 29 and both of them were eclipsed by The Undertaker’s annual appearances.

As we have also seen in recent times, he has received props for putting on good matches with CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, but no-one has ever admitted to the fact that Punk and Bryan have carried Cena through the matches and their quality has helped cover up Cena’s botches and lack of sells.

Even The Rock made Cena look good in those WrestleMania matches because Cena has such a stiff, sluggish and asinine character in the ring that no-one believes he deserves the amount of title runs he has had.

We look at the future of the WWE and it there is a wealth of talent who could carry the company for years to come, but as long as John Cena is around, the likes of Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan are never going to be allowed to ascend to the summit of the WWE. No matter what, no matter who is getting a monster push, Cena is always there.

John Cena and Ryback

Ryback could have been huge, but….

You can tell the audiences want to see more of the likes of Daniel Bryan, and the chants for both him and CM Punk are evident.People want to see something different rather than seeing John Cena shoehorned into the main events all the time.

People are also tired of seeing this guy no selling moves, and not putting emerging talent over.

This year, we saw Damien Sandow carry a Money In The Bank contract for many months and the hope of many was to see Sandow get a decent push as a WWE World Heavyweight Champion. But along came Cena, with a supposedly weakened forearm, who won the title from Alberto Del Rio at Survivor Series and still successfully defend the title against Sandow the following night, despite repeated attacks on the injured limb.

Despite the adversity and the odds stacked against him, and no matter what opponents do to him, Cena always finds enough strength to hit an AA and win the match. It’s unbelievably dumb and it denies other wrestlers who work a lot harder than him a chance to shine.

When will the WWE allow the guys who deserve pushes and the chance to be in the spotlight without this slabheaded saluting dickhead hanging around to ruin it?

In one year alone, we have seen Sandow and Dolph Ziggler take on Cena and disappear into midcard obscurity. Ryback was over with the crowd, despite the fact he isn’t that great a wrestler, but had his momentum killed by a programme with Cena.

Now as we head into WrestleMania, it seems Cena is likely going to be put into a match with Bray Wyatt, who is one of the best mic talents and in-ring performers to have emerged from the NXT, and is a future top-level draw with the WWE.

But he’s probably going to be squashed by Cena.

John Cena smug

Smuggy smuggy smug smug

There was even talk about John Cena being the guy who could end the Taker’s streak next year at WrestleMania 31 in a casket match.

So imagine that match for a minute – Taker performs six tombstones, five Last Ride powerbombs and a couple of Hell’s Gate submission moves but Cena never taps and always kicks out. The match ends with Cena catching The Undertaker as he attempts to go Old School from the top rope, reversing it into an Attitude Adjustment and dumping Taker into a casket. END OF THE STREAK.

Cena then prises the lid of the coffin open. Raises the Taker’s hand and hugs him in typically sycophantic fashion despite the fact he was never ever going to put The Undertaker over and had to be the guy who ended the streak.

You may laugh but that is exactly how it would play out because that’s how bulletproof Cena is in the eyes of the company, even though his character is shit, his mic work is abysmal and he can’t wrestle.

He has been forced down our throats for so long now that the crowds and audiences have become pissed off with seeing this talentless guy being handed all the good spots, all the praise and all the plaudits.

When will this obsession with this asshole subside? When will the WWE allow the guys who deserve pushes the chance to be in the spotlight without this slabheaded saluting dickhead hanging around to ruin it?

Author: Kris Rennie

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Responses to The Cenassassination of the WWE

  1. Wow,just wow worst article ever,yes I’m a cena fan (25 years old) but you hate him so much you’re blinded man,against lesnar you failed to cover the fact that the fashion in which the match was won was amazing and cena always performs on the highest level,against the rock the fans were astonished by both matched yes some may boo him but to be absolutely realistic most of them are just hipster haters who had to hate him when everybody loved him,and now it’s just the new thing to boo cena,but he deserves respect and at the end of the day he really gives people what they want he never hates on those who hate him and aknowledges the fact they boo him and respects them for their opinion but the fact of the matter is that he’s always there to perform and to make his true fans happy.

  2. bullshit u are a dickhead for writing all this shit about cena get a life butt hurt loser.-,-

  3. cena is far from the most hated man in the far as your character asasination of the guy,theres about 400 familys in the make a wish foundation,more than any other celebrity,who would disagree. he goes out there ,hated or loved,and gets a reaction,does what the buisness needs him to do. so whatever

  4. you’re all fucking retarded. cena is the bigges piece of shit that has ever walked into wrestling. some of you have his dick shoved so far down your throats you are on life support.

  5. Kris RennieNo Gravatar

    Thanks for the comments from Team Fruity’s foot soldiers 🙂

  6. Kris RennieNo Gravatar

    Furthermore, your standards must be so fucking low if you think John Cena is a great wrestler. Seriously?, and your actual reasons are because he does shit for charities and you think people hate him because they are “hipsters”? Are you fucking kidding?

    So everytime that motherfucker gets booed, it’s because people don’t really mean it and they boo him because it’s hip to do so?.

    People boo him because his persona is stale, boring, played out, it’s vanilla-flavoured pussy-laced horseshit. He can’t cut a promo without fucking smirking and making shit jokes thus cheapening the whole crux of building a feud. His move set is limited, he can’t wrestle, he isn’t particularly athletic and can’t sell a move without looking stiff and awkward and have we mentioned his pandering to the crowd by namedropping wrestlers more over than him to get a cheer because he can’t get over on his own merits?.

    Oh and let me give you prime examples of what a “great wrestler” is too – Randy Savage, Bret Hart, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle actually epitomise the term “great wrestler”.

    Go look at some of their matches, you might learn something about the art of pro wrestling at its very best.

    I’ll sum up what John Cena is – he’s the 21st century’s answer to Lex Luger. That’s how interminably shit he is as a pro wrestler.

    Now go school yourselves and learn what high quality pro wrestling really is because if John Cena is your benchmark then you really know nothing.

  7. Breh. This mans Cena is the most popular WWE wrestler. Lol at you for hating on this manz. You a dumb boi. This man came in 2002 and changes the game. He is undoubtedly like the most known wrestler ever and nobody wants to see him leave. You dumb boi. Go sit down boi. Arph Arph boi. Kikaw boi. Where Jamal at boi. Dumb boi. Like really

  8. Can AratNo Gravatar

    Chris you’re just an hater. If all the things you’ve said would been true, then Cena wouldn’t be the most popular wrestler and the face of the WWE. WWE is all about money. Cena came in 2002 and he make the company earn them dollars. It’s not just because the kids loved him. He became the biggest star that WWE Company has in 2005 and WWE was not PG like it is now. Before the PG shit, it was allabout adults and Cena was the one making WWEearn money at that time too. Only thing you said right is that Cena is not the best wrestler. But he is a good one and he used to show it to us before the PG. And also he is a great performer who can act very well. He’s always been one of the best talkers in this business too. Guy’s Succession tells everything….

  9. This Article is spot on, I feel 1000% the same way. John Cena is a plague/leech/virus that the WWe has to get rid of, he has no talent in the ring, his mic skills suck major sweaty horse balls, his ring attire sucks major G.I Joe hairy dick and him being WWe world champion is a slap in the face to the greats who have held that title like Andre the Giant, Ric Flair, Triple H, Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and The Rock wrestlers with true talent, mic skills too boot and amazing ring attire and grace, and so many others who have held that WWe world title, please fire John the crapola Cena.

  10. Ehh where do I start so that I’m not just called a blatant cena hater. First off Cena can’t wrestle. At best he’s average and can be outperformed by a good 30% of the roster while being generous. He is only a little above average on mic, where he’s good enough to barely stay on par with other main eventers, but can truly be torn apart by known masters of the mic. Third he absolutely cannot sell and has issues putting talent over. He would either bury upcoming talent or make them never ever get a clean win over him. Names like Barrett, Miz, Wyatt, Ryback, Sandow, Ziggler, and many more have been banished to mid card after programs with Cena. Hell he made the beatdown given to him by Lesnar at Summerslam seem like nothing more than an off night come Night of Champions. On paper Cena doesn’t really make it past mid card with nothing that good about him. Only thing going for him is his stale gimmick which reasonably appeals to children, which earns wwe a shit load of money and the fact that he has the perfect look that wwe wants its company to be seen as. Oh wait forgot to go in depth with his limited moveset and matches, which mainly resolves around getting his ass whooped before kicking out of everything thrown at him before putting his opponent down was his AA. The only time his matches are well balanced are when great in ring stars carry him throughout the match, and if you don’t believe it is possible to be carried look at Undertaker’s last 5 Wrestlemania matches. The man has bern injured to the point of no return and there are stuff he just cannot do, which is why he takes most of the year off and why he was being matched with great, experienced Wrestlers who could effectively hide his shortcomings. Then comes Brock who could do no such thing and the match was ultimately a major flop. Cena is pretty much the same way, with people either carrying him, or getting straight buried and dominated throughout(rarely). Only difference is a healthy Cena can only do a little more than an injured Undertaker. Overall Cena pisses off all hardcore fans because they have seen the greatness of past eras and the ability of past top stars and in comparison, Cena isn’t worthy to shine their boots.

  11. Last week on Raw, Lerner demolished Cena with 3 German Suplee, and an F5. On tonight’s Raw, Cena comes out smiling like the dork that he is, making jokes, getting cheap pops. He’s the absolute worst at what he does. He’s one of the top guys which means he probably has say in what happens to his matches. The reason he wins all the time, is because he’s okay. How is it that he loses a match only when his opponent had cheated? Damn, even Rock and Austin lost matches cleanly. I wish Cena and his rectangle head would just be off my TV screen forever.

  12. Kris RennieNo Gravatar

    I get flak for writing this article and it’s only because some people seem to view Cena as future Hall of Famer, legendary wrestler, when all the guy does is kiss ass and sell t-shirts without having really much ability or athleticism or talent at all.

    Cena is basically this century’s Lex Luger. He’s really that bad.

    He ruins feuds by cracking jokes, smirking, goofing around. If someone is threatening to beat the shit out of you, you’re not going to try and turn the whole thing into comedy, you’re going to tell the other guy you are going to kick his ass and destroy him. Cena never does that, he is always looking for that cheap pop and more often than not, he never gets it because he can’t get over with the crowd so instead, he panders to the audience by trying to ride on the coat-tails of people who are more over than him.

    He is just a cringeworthy guy and it’s about time he was put out to pasture to let other guys like Rollins and Ambrose take the spotlight.

  13. did you see that rybak could have been huge dude you’re delusional ryback Can’t wrestle for shit it’s true john cena may not be the best wrestler i agree bite don’t say that rybak could have been huge the guy cant fuckin wrestle she’s 10 times worse than john is

  14. and don’t forget he does not decide the outcome of matchesyou go on to say that he is holding wrestlers back that’s horse shit

  15. shadowkingNo Gravatar

    Its this whole PG crap + Cena. Sometime in past years (after the Mcmahon Limo explosion) everything rapidly went downhill to the point that I rarely watch any modern wrestling and I am a huge 80’s fan and also like the 90’s ~ 2000 as well. If pro-wrestling is gonna be politically correct well whats the point of ‘pro-wrestling’ ?

  16. rapunzelNo Gravatar

    John Cena u r my hero i want u too keep wrestling ill see u tommorow night. thx.

  17. TheLovableLoserNo Gravatar

    it makes me sick that this man will one day be in the Hall of Fame with all the greats, and will undoubtly beat Ric Flairs championship record… we should all boycott the WWE Network till they fire Cena

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