Five wrestlers even less suited to porn than Hulk Hogan

Written by: David James Young


The world of wrestling and the world of adult entertainment have crossed paths in the past – let’s not forget multiple WWE divas shooting for Playboy, and let’s try our very best to forget 1 Night in Chyna.

The latest allegations surrounding the two, however, might have you reaching for the nearest bucket – a sex tape featuring 58-year-old Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan's sex face

Imagine this, bearing down upon you... shudder

Don’t go tearing your shirt off just yet; at this point in time, this is just TMZ gossip. What we know so far is that Steve Hirsh, the founder of Vivid Entertainment, was allegedly approached with a copy of the tape, which supposedly features Terry Bollea runnin’ wild on a brunette and showing off his thong tan. Delightful.

Even if this doesn’t turn out to be true, it still brings up the topic of which pro wrestlers need to stay in the ring and out of the bedroom. Here’s five wrestlers that would make even worse pornstars than the Hulkster.

5. Viscera / Mabel / Big Daddy / King V

Big Daddy V

The word you're looking for is "sexalicious"

Does this one really need any explaining? At nearly 500 pounds, the behemoth born Nelson Frazier, Jr. may be a dominant veteran force in the squared circle. But let’s be completely honest – no-one really thought that his mid-2000s tag of “The World’s Largest Love Machine” was anything short of painful irony, did they?

Watching that guy in silk pyjamas was bad enough, and watching him wrestle wearing suspenders and no shirt was even worse. It would be downright disturbing to watch the big man attempt a flick like this, and we’re sorry you even had to think about it.

4. Scott Steiner

Scott Steiner

It's all natural, ladies

Big Poppa Pump may well be your hook-up, but it’s safe to say that you’d holla if you heard him within the confines of the bedroom. Sure, he’s had his pick of women in the past – take a look at Stacy Keibler, Missy Hyatt and the nWo girls, to name a few.

Those relationships, however, never lasted beyond managerial services; and Steiner would have inevitably let these women down even if they did – and not only physically, there’s also the aspect of Steiner talking. He can barely do it on a microphone, so imagine him trying to talk dirty while getting the job done. Actually, as a matter of fact, don’t.

3. Lance Storm

Storm is well known as one of the most well-liked and respected veterans of professional wrestling, a torch-bearer for Canadian pro-wrestling and an absolute champion on Twitter.

Lance StormWith that said – if we can be serious for a minute – getting intimate with The SWA Kid could go one of two ways. Firstly, it could be really boring – much like his matches, it would be a simple “get in and get the job done” tactic. Hell, he’d probably want his arm raised in victory after it was all over.

The other side of the coin, though, is the fact the guy might be an absolute psychopath of a lover. Storm seems like he could be the kind that’s overly eager to please, and it would make for extremely uncomfortable viewing. Perhaps that’s where all of his charisma and energy goes. Hopefully, we’ll never have to find out exactly which way it goes… right?

2. Jerry “The King” Lawler

Jerry The King Lawler

If you watched WWF during its Attitude era, you’d know all about The King’s love of the ladies – particularly their “puppies” (if you don’t know, don’t ask). He was even briefly married to a former diva, Stacy “The Kat” Carter. Beyond that, you’re delving right into TMI territory. It’s safe to say that there would be little interest in watching a flabby, leathery 62-year-old sweating over some poor girl presumably around a third of his age.

It’s a similar situation to Hogan, really, except we have to hear Lawler’s fantasies about the various Divas every week on Raw. Beyond the point of creepy – and the worst part is that, were he approached to make a film by a porn company, he’d more than likely sign up on the spot. Don’t go getting any ideas!

1. John Cena

John Cena's angry sex face

The ladies may scream like banshees every time that Rise Above Hate shirt gets flung into the first few rows, and he might be the hero of WWE for a lot of Gen Y.

But none of that even comes close to excusing the picture above. Keep this image in mind whenever you start considering that John is an attractive young man. Hell, for all we know this could be his “jizz-in-my-pants” face. Keep well clear of all of his attitude adjustments from here on in – just in case.




Author: David James Young

David is a writer, journalist, musician, podcaster and social outcast. He recently had a nasty bout with Bieber Fever, and is currently on the mend. He will never cease to speak his mind on the things he loves - music, film, art, theatre, stand-up comedy and professional wrestling. The hardest thing you will ever have to do will be to convince him that he and Gillian Jacobs just weren't meant to be together.

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