MOVIEBLAH: Ouija Bored

More rumours surrounding Dark Shadows have made their way to the surface. The movie adaptation of the gothic supernatural soap from the 1960s has had Johnny Depp’s name attached to it since day one and whispers that Scissorhands himself will be starring as Barnabus Collins have been giving excited fans restless nights. But now, two more names have been connected to the project: writer John August and director Tim Burton.

If Depp is appearing in the film, it would make sense that Burton directs, especially when you consider the tone of the project – no one does gothic better than Burton and the director has a crew that he seems to take with him from project to project.

In fact, we could probably figure out the whole credits right now. Danny Elfman will be taking care of the soundtrack, and Helena Bonham Carter will be shoehorned into a completely inappropriate leading role.

Although best known on this side of the world for being a daft game played by drunk teenagers, Ouija Board is actually a massively popular board game in the States, and Michael Bay is planning to turn the supernatural con into a feature for Universal Pictures later this year.

The game has sold millions of copies since the 1960s, and this sort of film definitely has an audience, but it’s hard to see the appeal of 90 minutes of kids drinking a dodgy bottle of stuff their folks brought back from Tenerife, and asking an upside down glass: “Does Scott love me?/When will I die?/Are you really Heath Ledger?” before the whole thing descends into a fight because that bitch Sarah was definitely pushing it cos you could see the pressure marks on her fingers etc… sigh.

If this film takes off, The Void has already copyrighted screenplays for Mousetrap – Escape from BeadleClaw and KerPlunk: The Movie.

Enough is enough. Buoyed by the fact that his reprise as Indiana Jones wasn’t mocked universally, Harrison Ford is considering returning to the Jack Ryan franchise because the character is one of the few he’s played that would be worth exploring again.

And now Sigourney Weaver is talking about about reprising her role as Ripley in yet another Alien sequel. Jesus. The woman’s pushing 60. Imagine your mum. In a vest. Running. Not pretty is it?

It’s great that Ford still wants to make movies, but he needs to realise Indy was a fluke and that people aren’t going to buy into him as an action hero for much longer. “[Jack Ryan] is a character that I think you could revisit acknowledging the passage of time and his increasing age,” says Ford.

Maybe so, but you can say that for anything or anyone. Coming soon: Peter O’Toole as Bond, where 007 falls asleep during a fight, shits himself on the bus, dribbles toffee all over a naked Russian girl and then accidentally shoots himself in the face with a tranquiliser dart.