Cinema Review: Water for Elephants

In the not-to-distant future, veterinary science will have progressed to the point that gravely ill pets will no longer find themselves put out of their misery via lethal injection.

No, instead the kindly doctor will gingerly move the animal to face the nearest television and play them Water For Elephants. The cinematic equivalent of Magic FM, the animal will lose interest in living shortly after the first swooning shot of teen zeitgeist darling Robert Pattinson doing nothing but stare mournfully into middle distance and slowly drift off towards the afterlife. Film as terminal anaesthesia. Maybe there’s a purpose for this film after all.

It’s safe to say that on paper, Water for Elephants has all the trappings of a commercial darling – fame-ascending heart throb goes through life-affirming journey backed by cast of credible actors (plus a star turn for the villain) ready to give the kid his push. It’s not hard to visualise the studio pitch now: “Titanic With Animals” they’ll have said and the cheque probably followed not shortly after.

Unfortunately, it’s such a laboured affair you’ll scarcely care what happens to Jacob, a young would-be vet just shy of completing his final exams who finds himself orphaned when his parents die in a car crash leaving him destitute and ready to wander the world. Wandering along the rail road that he chances upon the Benzini Brothers travelling circus and a world of excitement, adventure and romance awaits. The only thing stopping this tale from being consigned to an afternoon slot on Channel 5 is a great dollop of soft focus (and Christopher Waltz). Every frame screams at the seams for it but it just refuses to come.

Ah yes, Christopher Waltz. The star turn. The signature role. The best thing in this film by a country mile. Every second he’s on-screen as the circus ringmaster, the scene crackles with menace. It’s not enough to save the show let alone steal it but it’s a welcome relief when something interesting actually happens that isn’t suddenly enveloped in a tepid mush of wistful looks and/or animal petting. Even the foreshadowed climax, which should have clearly been a riotous circus apocalypse, falls flat on its face, devoid of any urgency. That’s saying something when the sight of 30-odd animals running rampant cannot increase your heart rate.

It’s a film that’s desperate to be liked. Reese Witherspoon as the ringmaster’s wife and star attraction is supposed to be the casting cavalry but even she can’t get Robert Pattinson to emote. It’s time Hollywood faced up to it – if the role requires more than two looks (emotional angst and rictus smile), you’re fresh out of luck. The pair try, they really do (their frisson is conducted almost entirely via earnest looks and vacant eyes) but there’s zero chemistry between the two which makes their star-crossed tryst simply unbelievable.

Any detractor of this film is bound to get caught in the crossfire from a million Pattinson fans arguing that the latter’s presence alone is going to prejudice any meaningful commentary but there’s genuinely so little that can be done for this leaden, calculated bore that the only option is to put it down.